This blog entry is very personal to me. I hesitate to post it at all, but I would like to share every aspect of this journey with you, including the very spiritual. I only wish that I could convey what this experience meant for me and how it felt.
Today was fast and testimony meeting at the branch here in Voronezh (for non-LDS: a fast and testimony meeting occurs once a month in place of the regular 1 hour chapel meeting [called sacrament meeting] for members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints; members of the ward or branch meet together in fasting and are given time to bear their testimonies of Jesus Christ and His restored gospel when they feel moved upon to do so). The mission president, along with several new missionaries, were visiting the branch. When the meeting began, a half an hour was given to the missionaries to bear their testimonies. It was incredible to see missionary after missionary getting up and bearing their testimonies to the congregation of 60-90 Russian members about the living reality of our savior Jesus Christ and His restored gospel. The feeling of the love of God was so strong in that room that I believe you would have had to been making a conscious effort to not feel of the Holy Spirit to not be able to feel it. Well, for those of you who have had similar experiences, that familiar pounding in my chest began. The kind I knew would only be calmed by listening to the prompting and standing and bearing my testimony of Jesus Christ and His restored gospel to my brothers and sisters who were there feeling of the love of God with me. My immediate thought at this was, “Heck no! There is no way on earth that I am going to get up there and mumble a couple lines in Russian and then have someone attempt to translate the rest for me…. These people won’t even understand what I am trying to say, so there is not point.” So of course I tried to ignore the prompting. After a few more minutes I realized that ignoring the desire of my spirit to share my love for the Lord because of fear would be impossible. I could feel, with every fiber of my being, that my Savior Jesus Christ lives. That He loves me. That he loves all. And I needed to share this with anyone who would listen. My heart wouldn’t calm until I did. After I made this realization I had a slight panic attack. I started thinking of what words I knew in Russian, and if I could say at all in Russian what I wanted to say. I had never before that moment even tried to think of how one would bear a testimony in Russian, let alone say one aloud. And I am not “good” at Russian in any sense of the word! Most of the 5 year old kids at the school here who barely speak English still speak MUCH better English than I do Russian. My vocabulary in Russian is definitely less than 200 words, and most of the words I do know aren’t even gospel related. I was wishing that I had some time to ask Philip some questions, memorize some new phrases and words, but I knew that it was now or never. I would either listen to the promptings of the spirit right now, or I would be too weak to. I then gave Philip some slight warning of what I was doing, grabbed his arm for him to come with me to translate some and said a silent prayer to the Lord that I would need His help because standing up might be all that I could do. Well, I got up there and managed to get out about 5 sentences in Russian and then had Philip translate the rest of my testimony for me. I know that I always could have gotten up and given my testimony in English, but I really wanted those Russian saints to understand. I wanted them to know that others, besides just missionaries, know of the love of God and can feel the love that God has for them. I’m sure this experience meant much more for me than it did at all to anyone else present, but I treasure it none the less. Philip bore his testimony after me, which I was very grateful for.
I want to be one who listens to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, not one that ignores out of fear. These saints here in Russia so inspire me, they are such an example of bravery and courage, but that is its own post for another time. I’ll just say to you what I said to them, I love God and I know He loves us too, each and every one, no matter where you are or where you’re from.
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